My Baby is now my ANGEL

Last May 13, 2012, I gave birth to a very cute lovely handsome baby boy Named "Mackenzie Anraiee" My water bag broke around 8:30am when I was only in my 31 weeks. I was so scared not for my self but for my son. I know its not my due yet but I still fighting the faith that everything is gonna be alright.

(What happened to me at this time called  "OLIGOHYDRAMNIOS")

When I reach the hospital "Chinese General Hospital and Medical Center" All the nurses and Doctors are patiently checking on me. Till my OB saw me. I was bleeding to death especially when they are trying to IE to check my baby's head. My OB tries to scan and check on my baby but the water is almost gone. They decided to give me a shot of Steroid to somehow can get through to make my baby's lungs a little bit matured.

Around 12:30noon when my OBGyne checked on me again. She knew that she can't prolong my baby inside anymore and need to let it out. We can't wait more or else something will happen to my baby and also with me. So I need to undergo an emergency CS or Cesarean Section. The Heartbeat of my baby is getting high in a straight line.

(What's happening on me at this point of time, they diagnosed as "ABRUPTIO PLACENTA")

Around 1:31pm I gave birth to my Angel with 45cm / and 1.5kg (3lbs 5oz) I heard him crying so loud so I really thought he is gonna be ok. I just knew that he will be in an incubator to make him matured especially his lungs. But the same day around 7:30pm the nursery called my husband that our baby needs to have Ventilation to help him breathe properly due to his undeveloped lungs. While he was in an incubator he needs to use ventilation which cost us 20,000Php a day. We didn't think twice as long as we know that it will make our baby ok even we don't know where are we going to get the money to pay for that and without knowing until he when he will stay there.

 Mackenzie Anraiee S. Angeles , My Angel!! 

(Baby Boy born 45cm / and 1.5kg (3lbs 5oz)

May 15, 2012, the day I was allowed to go home and the very first time I saw my lovely cute son. He has the eyes of his father, the eyelashes that even only a few hairs you will notice how it curls just like his dad. The lips that they said he got it from me. His nose that truly came from his dad, a small baby with a bridged nose. His hands and his white complexion all came from his dad. Everyone who sees him especially his staff nurses says he is really a handsome baby boy indeed just like his father. 

'Till May 16, a day after I arrived home. We received a call from our Pedia that they found something on my baby. It's called "DUODENAL ATRESIA" it's a congenital deceased where a baby's intestine is blocked. To make it open only surgery or operation will do, it will cost us 40,000PHP for Professional Fees and 20,000Php for Operating Room. First I asked the Surgeon of my baby, can he make it knowing that he is preterm and a small baby weighs 1.5kg only. He said that it's not cancer that doesn't have a cure. He just explained so easy that it will connect the intestine where it didn't connect at first. He said even I gave birth in a full term my baby still need to undergo an operation. So I and my husband decided to go for it, as we knew that its for our baby sake and to make him feel better and ok.

 (May 17,2012 /9:30AM -He is about to enter the Operating Room for his First Surgery)

After the operation May 17, 2012, he looks so weak and I'm really really so hurt when seeing my son in that condition but again I know he was fighting at that time as well because I know he also wanted to be with us. We are fighting as well for him and we are doing all the best we can do no matter what even I know he was hurting so much and in so much pain with those needles, tubes, tapes, inside him make me feel more pain as a mother looking my child like that. we need to wait for a week to make my baby poop for the first time. The Neurologist ask us to buy the food for our baby called TPN (Total Parenteral Nutrition) It is a food for preterm babies because he cannot eat like a normal baby due to his operations usually they give this TPN kind of food just like Dextrose but more on good source of vitamins and minerals but not good as milk of course. It's expired only 24 hours so we and its not available in Chinese General, We usually buying this TPN at UST Hospital Pharmacy they will only make this mixture depends on the required computation of our neurologist for our baby, It cost us Php 1,500 a day, so everyday morning we need to get the computation at the Chinese Gen. Hospital then we will go to UST Hospital to buy this food and need to wait for an hour before they can finish it.

 My Baby's TPN  ( May 20, 2012, /11:45AM)

But when We arrived home on the same day. We received a call again that my baby's heartbeat is starting to get low. We rush back to the hospital and knowing that my babies are really a fighter and he starting to be ok. After how many days around May 22, 2012 - May 24, 2012, he was looking good and ok. He looks strong and better and knowing that he already poop for 4 times. I starting to be happy and feel relieved. We thought that he will start to drink milk to gain his weight. I even pump breastmilk on that nursery last May 23, 2012, as one of the staff nurse of my baby suggested because we knew that baby will start to feed. 

May 23, 2012, The Neurologist of my baby wanted to talk to us. She said that the baby's lungs are getting ok and he started to poop. She even said that if we are happy, they are happier! She advised me that all the pressure will be with me at that time due to my breastmilk will be needing so much for my baby. But she said that they were hearing a murmur or small sounds in my baby's heart during that time while they were trying to heal his lungs but they ignored it at once because of it just small sounds and if they will refer it right away to the cardiologist they will just say Observed for a month. From Last night May 22, 2012, till the morning of  May 23, 2012, the murmur sounds are started to get bigger and louder this time because the lungs are getting better so they can hear the sounds in his heart so loud so they refer it to cardio to check his heart.

When we reach back the nursery they said that tomorrow morning, My baby will undergo 2D-ECHO Scan, It's a scan to check my baby's heart if something wrong and what is that murmur sounds they were hearing. It will be around 8:00AM in the morning so we need to be in the hospital at that time so we would know the findings right away.

May 24, 2012 8:30AM We saw the Cardiologist starting to check my baby's heart. I keep on praying and continuing praying my rosary that we hope nothing serious on that.  I keep on talking to God that please make my baby healthy and protect him on another problem. Please heal my baby. I've been talking to my self and God to protect my baby all the time that the 2D Echo scan is normal all throughout the session while waiting outside looking at them trying to check my baby. It's so hard and can't explain my feeling while waiting for the result.

After almost an hour or less than. 45minutes. The Cardiologist called us. We felt like we are freeze to death when we found out that our baby is having a PDA (PATENT DUCTUS ASTERIOSUS) a large artery the supposed to be closed when the baby's born and cut in their umbilical cord. In my baby's case, it didn't close. I was numbed at that time and I can't even ask some questions to the cardiologist right away. The Cardiologist said there are some ways to close it in the United States, it can be done with an IV but its not available in the Philippines, In can be an Oral Medication but my baby haven't started to feed yet due to his duodenal atresia operation, so they are no choice other than operation on his heart just to close it with clip or to tie it. But I heard my husband says if my baby needs that, we will go for it. It will cost us 100,000Php for Professional Fee itself of the Surgeon but the Operating Room, we don't know how much it will cause us.

What makes us more shocked that when he said that he saw my baby's new x-ray on his lungs and he saw some air came into his stomach which is really a big Not good sign. he said that the surgeon for my baby's intestine might talk to us right away due to this. It means that the 1st operation has started to leak. 

Then that was the time we received a called that we need to go back and talked to our doctors. Then the surgeon again talked to us that they need to reopen the 1st surgery of my baby in his intestine to repair it because it has a leak. The air is starting to go in in his stomach. I wanted to kneel to God that why my first baby, why my first son!!! Why us?! It was an emergency OR that they need to undergo. I don't know if my baby would make it but we don't have any choice. We still need to fight for it, for my baby's life. 

I cried so hard and my tears can't stop while looking at my baby inside the incubator going back again to the OR he looks so strong and his eyes are wide open looking at me. I said Baby please be strong and pray to your Angel......

After almost 2 hours, the doctor came out and said the operation is done but during the operation, my baby starting to dsat or his heartbeat started to get low but now he is ok. We asked him can he make it, the doctor said "HE HAS TO MAKE IT" what an answered. My baby is 31 weeks and 1.6kg and already undergone 2 operations. Then that was I started to pray, Lord If you think my baby will hurt so much and will go through another pain, I know how hard it for me as a mom but I rather lose him with you that seeing him in pain and it kills me. We waited for my baby to be out in OR and when I saw him he was so weak. I can't explain but I was so hurt.

I started to cry all the rest of the afternoon and said if my baby will go I will follow him. I don't know but it shows how much I'm hurt. He was my first baby and why is this happening to us.  I waited for the last viewing around 6-7pm with my mother in law and my mom and when 6:00pm came we went up to look at my baby. I didn't hold him at that time. I was afraid he will be more in pain and colds when I open the door of his incubator. I just said "ILOVEYOU, BABY"  I didn't know that was the last time I will saw him alive. I saw his hands in different colors already so I already started to have doubt at that time.

When we reach home, around 7:00PM we received a called and I was soo nervous. From the nursery in the hospital and they said my baby's starting to dsat or his heartbeat are getting down. They are trying to win it but my baby's doesn't respond anymore. He died around 7:54PM. I felt that I'm going crazy! I know that he is in God's Hands now I know he just waited for me to visit him and see him for the last time. "Para akong maloloka at masisiraan ng bait dahil sa nagyari! Ganun pala ang maging isang ina!!" I love you, Baby! You are now our ANGEL !!!!!!!!!! I will miss you so much!!!! Thank you for giving a chance to be a mom for 11days. Thank you, baby, for that 11days is a lifetime for me. I love you so much!!!!!! You will be in mama's life forever!!

Just recently I have heard that even we undergo an operation my baby wouldn't make it, for those complications and in his heart! My questions now, why the doctors and our pedia, Surgeon etc. why they gave us hope like that. I don't like to think because of money but so many surgeons and doctor's we have talked now that my baby wouldn't survive whatever we do. Even we survive him, he will be in the hospital every now and then and chances that he's intelligent will be gone and therapist will be forever. Sad but we knew doctors are here to save lives but not to win money from you without telling the truth behind the stories and  knowing that they gave us hopes, It doesn't matter if we lost a thousand pesos all that matter to us, we (my husband) both fight for our baby just to be with him ...... I just let God think about what happened. 

Mackenzie "Makzie"Anraiee S. Angeles

May 13, 2012 - May 24, 2012

Cremated: May 26, 2012

La Loma Crematory
Mama and Papa Will Love you for the rest of our lives!!!!

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To My Family, Friends, and Colleagues,
I really appreciated all the words of sympathy and thousands and millions of prayers for me and for our family. We thank you for all the words of support but I hope you will understand if I will not able to answer all your questions or much better if you will NOT ask any more questions what happened to my baby as of now, personally or even in Facebook or any ways of  communication that you can reach me. Please give me time to mourn because I'm still not ready to talk about this again and again instead Leaving messages and comments are so appreciated. Anyways, all your possible questions are already here in my post.
Thank You very very much for understanding!!