Sad

Today I feel so sad and alone.  Alone fighting in this battle. Today supposed to be its my Day10 the First day schedule of our baby dance for my 4th cycle of clomid but suddenly DH told me "Maybe we can start after 2-3 days?" then i don't know why i just quickly answered like "It's up to you!!" then he said what does my OB said anyway, i told him the same process the same schedule. He was thinking because I maybe again will have a late leading follicle just like last month when I had a FM on day17 we just found out i have 1.4cm leading follicle but we started to baby dance at day10 to day20 as my Ob schedule. I told him what is the use of going to my OB for check ups and work ups when we are not going to follow the schedule or rules given by my doctor. I felt like he is already getting lazy to fight this battle with me, why I had a feeling that he is loosing hope already/

Then suddenly maybe he felt some guilt about what i said then he suddenly laid down on bed and asking for baby dance, I feel so angry and feel so sad at that moment and wanted to cry so my initial reaction was really negative. I said it's already late I'm not in the mood. He even joke about it by telling me " don't worry I will let you in the mood " then smile but still he didn't able to force me to do it that night.  I just heard him said " If you dont want it then find wait till the next cycle!" i didn't mind that but I just pray instead to forgive me and to understand my feelings and I said to the Lord i will let him decide for my dream to be a mom.

I slept with worries in my mind. I been having a hard time to fight this battle since then financially, emotionally and spiritually. But I know God is always there to guide me and support me i just always said that I will lay everything now with him. 

 

PCOS again

April 18, 2011, came. I decided though o take a TVS/FM even my OB didn't require it I just wanted to check if again I had a dominant follicle but sad to say all of my follicles are less than 1.0cm PCOS again. Although only few follicles now remain small not unlike before but still my hopes went down i felt so depress that why we let the chance go so easy like that last month? It was our chance to have our own baby and start to build our own family.

I felt so down and depress that even my DH I notice that we don't do BD more often. I starting to ask my self, is there anything wrong with me? I always remember that my DH usually told me "You need to lose weight!" I know even they said that a woman who diagnosed with PCOS will be having  a hard time to lose weight still GOD knows i tried my very best. But I felt like was just fighting this battle alone? what is the use of medicine if we will not do our part to make it happen? why my DH doesn't have much time to BD is there anything wrong?

I started to feel pity for myself can we still ever do it?