Sad

Today I feel so sad and alone.  Alone fighting in this battle. Today supposed to be its my Day10 the First day schedule of our baby dance for my 4th cycle of clomid but suddenly DH told me "Maybe we can start after 2-3 days?" then i don't know why i just quickly answered like "It's up to you!!" then he said what does my OB said anyway, i told him the same process the same schedule. He was thinking because I maybe again will have a late leading follicle just like last month when I had a FM on day17 we just found out i have 1.4cm leading follicle but we started to baby dance at day10 to day20 as my Ob schedule. I told him what is the use of going to my OB for check ups and work ups when we are not going to follow the schedule or rules given by my doctor. I felt like he is already getting lazy to fight this battle with me, why I had a feeling that he is loosing hope already/

Then suddenly maybe he felt some guilt about what i said then he suddenly laid down on bed and asking for baby dance, I feel so angry and feel so sad at that moment and wanted to cry so my initial reaction was really negative. I said it's already late I'm not in the mood. He even joke about it by telling me " don't worry I will let you in the mood " then smile but still he didn't able to force me to do it that night.  I just heard him said " If you dont want it then find wait till the next cycle!" i didn't mind that but I just pray instead to forgive me and to understand my feelings and I said to the Lord i will let him decide for my dream to be a mom.

I slept with worries in my mind. I been having a hard time to fight this battle since then financially, emotionally and spiritually. But I know God is always there to guide me and support me i just always said that I will lay everything now with him.