Still remebring you

It was All Souls Day, I visited you in Nanay's room where you place in her altar with her precious saints around you. I was alone then holding you with my rosary. Talking to you just you are by my side. I miss you baby! I slept while holding you and after a few minutes I woke up and my tears started to fall again......

I know it will mever easy not remember you, you are the reason for most first time that ever happened in my life.  While listening to my favorite song. I can't help my self butI cried so hard. Saying the words again and again "miss na miss na kita 'nak!"  (Missing you so much, baby!") I cry and cry in the other room while your dad is in the our room. I remember when I first hold your hand. Touch you feet and feel your ear! It was the most precious moment in my life!  Miss you so much baby mackenzie! Mama, will always pray for you and you will stay in my heart forever!!

Forgive me when times I still cry when I remember you. You are the reason why I still fighting and still having beleive in my self that we can still continue our journey having you in my memories. You are the reason why I've learn so many lesson in my life. The more I dream of holding you in my arms the more I wanted to fight the battle of having a complete family with you in our hearts!!!


ILoveYou my dear baby this is for you from Mama & Papa,

I made this video for an angel named Mackenzie that left this world much too soon. If you would like more information on how to request a video for your angel please visit http://angelbabymemorials.blogspot.com God Bless! - Lynda

PCOS FREE, Forever?

As refer to my post in the month of July 2012, I had my first TVS after giving birth last July 25th and the scan said that my left is starting to be PCOS again? Although a few months of giving birth my auntflo have become normal so I don't why I'm starting to be PCOS again on my left last July. Maybe because I'm starting to gain weight again, like what I said in my last post, food became my best friend after all the depression I came through.

Just October 24, 2012, my scan telling us that I'm PCOS free? The Sonologist who've done my scan and my OB who saw my scan the following day referring to my scan It says I'm PCOS free. Now my question is "Is it Forever?" No one can say it's forever. While doing this blog I found that because numbers of women out there or all over the world are suffering and battling infertility due to Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, we PCOS women already have "PCOS Awareness" month already I don't know if you girls already knew about this but as for me I only found out today.

As my OB said probably due to my diet or trying to lose more weight was one of the reason why somehow I'm "Power Over PCOS" I don't know if this will work for you girls as we know we have different body time, different problems why we are battling PCOS but  I know trying to lose weight will be one of a great way to start battling PCOS, as for those who are healthy and slim enough why they are still suffering PCOS, there are a lot of reason why PCOS is always visible to a women like us. So better to consult and seek help to an OB-Gyne.

Soon I found out my that I'm starting to be PCOS Free,  DH and I came out with the decision why not to try it again for this month October was a good start knowing that "I'm Fertile" again on my Left just like my first pregnancy and having a good size of matured follicle without the help of  "Fertility Pill"  So after this cycle only God knows if he will grant us again a small peanut in my tummy after 2WW or 10days after November 9th if my auntflo still not visible!

Just yesterday, I had lower abdomen cramps which really hurt but tolerable! More of my right side. Some say, probably I was ovulating, conceiving or maybe aunt Flo is about to come! Who knows? No one but only God Knows! I also have a slight fever due to my severe sore throat, I don't like to take any antibiotics or chemical medicine but I just tried to use some home remedy like gurgling sea salt and Luke warm water, and drinking warm water with lemon and honey! Because of the sore throat, I'm having a headache once in a while since yesterday! I hope this remedy works for me and a little fast because of Pains like killing me to death! :(

Let's wait and see If God will make this year memorable again for our family especially for me and DH!

Till next update! If you wish to ask questions or need help and somehow you know I can help, then
I'm willing just send me an email:anjch23@gmail.com

I decided to give it a try again

It's not easy for me to make this decision. I have to consider so many reasons before deciding to give it try, "Again!". Before this decision came up  I struggled some depression, sadness, and loneliness in my everyday life after losing my baby boy Mackenzie. I tried to accept everything and believe that everything has a reason, why it happened to us and to my baby. 

Last August my DH and I are having some problems. I became so sensitive in everything he says and does.  We didn't talk for almost a month.  Leaving our house every day is my way to forget the things that we are going through at that time. Eating, eating and eating! Eating more and more, food became my best friend at that time till September came in and I found out My weight reach 197lbs. I cried and talk to self. " This is not right," "This is not good!" "I need to wake up in this nightmare!" 

Then suddenly My friend from Kuwait send me a Viber message. We talked and exchange stories about our lives.  I said I'm so big that food was my fall back to fight depression and now I wanted to lose weight! She recommends her secret, which will make your appetite drastically down.  I started to diet on September 15th, eating one meal in a day without eating rice at all...

October came in, knowing I'already lose 20lbs. Sometimes it's hard! Decided not to eat rice since I started to go on a diet is a strong fight but I did. Hoping to lose more!  I started to run at least 3x a week with my DH around our subdivision! Just to help me to lose weight more! 

My aunt Flo was a day delayed this October so I felt scared and nervous thinking that my PCOS might be there again! Knowing that after giving birth I'm soon time getting my aunt flo! So I texted my OB asking why it's like this and saying I was so scared and wanted to know if my PCOS went back again so if yes, I wanted to start my meds again battling PCOS so when I'm ready and if I can, getting pregnant again will not be hard for me! My ob asked me to wait for 10days delayed then do TVS, then she said: "maybe you are pregnant!" I texted her back saying "no doc, we are not doing baby dance since then!" Then waiting for10days delayed but in the 9th day my aunt Flo came, so happy and kinda relief.  Maybe it's just stress that makes my aunt Flo a little bit delay this month or maybe because I'm on a diet, anyway I really don't know what's behind it...

Last October 23rd,  It's our 8th years anniversary! The anniversary that we thought will not be able to celebrate because of things that we been through, nightmares that been hunting me for so long! But I' m so blessed, DH didn't give up on me even the times he knew I already giving up on everything! We had a baby dance! 12:30midnight to be exact. My 15th day from LMP. 

October 24,  Next day I decided to do my TVS (my 16th day) while doing the ultrasounds, feeling so nervous and shaking! Then the Sonologist said, "you are fertile on the left!" (knowing I produced Matured follicle on my own, size 1.8cm) I just replied "Really doc?" Then she checked on my right ovary if she can see some signs of PCOS but while checking she said: "I don't see any signs of PCOS on your right ovary!"  I said, "Thank you, Lord, Thank you, baby!" 

As soon as it's done I can't wait to tell DH the good news! Then I texted my OB, I ask when I can see her coz I'm done with my TVS! And I really wanted to find out if no signs of  PCOS again. She asked to visit the next day October 25th.  We leave the NeoMedica Clinic with a smile on my face! Sooo happy and so much joy in my heart! Then suddenly I said to my self   "God is really good!" "Is this the sign I've been waiting for?"

 October 25th, Thursday, 17thday, I went to my OB to visit her for my check up! She asks how am I? Looks that I lose weight as per her, So I told her I'm on a diet! She said that's great! Then she asks about my TVS and she said right away! "Your ultrasounds are so great! I think you are PCOS free! You  even have a matured follicle and it's really good shape!"  I replied  "really doc? Do you think there's still a chance to be PCOS again?" She said, "Yes, there's a chance but in your case, you have a good scan today so just keep on losing those excess weights and eat more good fruits and food with exercise!" 

I think if you want, you have a big chance of getting pregnant this month, then i told her that our last baby dance was October 23rd, she said we just have to keep on doing it again because there is really a big chance to conceived again!!! So, I didn't think twice anymore! I ask her if It's really ok to conceieved as early as today (if Gods will) because its just 5months ago when i had my C-Section because as far as i know you have to wait atleast a year so everything is perfectly find!  But she said, my uterus are so thick and so nice! So trying to get pregnant again is not a problem! ❤❤

So after my check up! DH and I talked about it! Till we come up with a decision to give it a try again! If Gods will i know he will give it to us! I know he will guide us all through this journey with my baby Angel beside him!  Then DH suddenly said  we will change  everything this time! if i have to sleep on couch just for you not to feel stress i will do it... This time you have to control your anger and try not to feel the stress!!

I just said... "Promise!" 

I hope we will able to fight this battle again to have a complete and healthy family! Another journey and another story of our life is about to begin again........ I know baby mackenzie is always with us to give us strength and hope all the way!!! Ilove you baby! Mama and Papa will always be so proud of you and happy that you became part of our life... Tomorrow is another day to smile and to enjoy life with our love ones! Another day to be thankful that God give us another day to fulfill our dreams and finished our journey!!! 

Thank you GOD for undying blessings and guidance!!!!Baby dustto all... Again!!!  

Heavy Aunt Flo #2

Yesterday afternoon, my aunt-flo suddenly I noticed It's not that heavy anymore. I was able to use the normal pads and aside from that I almost used it in hour's not like before that I already use diapers as my pads and it only last for minutes because of It's too heavy it always overflowing. Thank God I did'y had a chance to take the Hemostat for 5 days as my OB-gyne instruction.  I hope everything will be ok. After this my battle is to weather to have a baby right away or I need to rest somehow. Even I wanted to I've been to a C-Section so I think you have to rest atleast 6 months to a year. So I don't know yet. I'm just a afraid that if I control for getting pregnant again , what If if time comes I already want it and it will be hard for me again. I have so many questions. and If I go and try again for another one, still not yet ready emotionally financially so it will be so hard for me again.

God Knows what's best.....

Heavy Aunt-Flo

If you will check my previous post about progesterone because after giving birth last May , still my aunt-flo is not here yet so when I had a check up to my OB she advise to give me progesterone just in case I'm pregnant again the baby would able to hold on more but if I'm not pregnant It will help me to have my aunt-flo back again. She gave me 10pills for 10days then after the last pill I have to wait for 10days till my aunt-flo will visit me again.

After I finished my 6 pill last Wednesday August 1 the following day aunt-flo came in in a natural flow, but around night time it became heavy already but still tolerable but when August 3 It became heavier that usual so I got  bit scared but still I didn't mind it I just decided to use small size diaper as my sanitary pads because it's really heavy already and ordinary or even maternity nor overnight pads is not working anymore. then last night my nieces and bro and his wife together with DH we watch Batman in last full show. when the movie end and we already about to go out , so before we (with DH) reach the door, I bleed to death. heavy like I pee. So I cram and said to my hubby that its really flowing out on my legs and its really heavy and didn't stop right away.

At first I was so shy that people might notice  whats happening to me and seeing my shorts are full or blood, good thing my DH bought s sweatshirt so I tried to wipe it and cover my front using his sweatshirt. We don't know what to do till I call my bro whos went out first, I ask him to tell to my sister in law to help me out what to do...

I'm so scared and I texted my OB and she said I need to drink hemostat for 5 days 2x a day. OMG! I don't know whats happening to my body anymore...

I hope It will be better soon.... Baby help mama please. Guide me Lord.

Palmer's Post Natal Firming Lotion

As you know I just gave birth last May 13 thru a C Section, First I didn't bother so much about the stretch marks, sag skin or could I say some changes of your body after pregnancy. Those are my side's you know thing that I could give some time to think of. But now that things have to move on and I'm starting to see my self that I need to be more busy and finally decided to take time to search or just to be more aware how can I rid of those lines on my belly and some sagging  part on my body.

One of my closest friends said that I should or maybe I want to try Palmer's Products because she already gave birth so I know that she have more idea regarding after pregnancy differences. So I decided to look for this Palmer's products at the mall. when I found Palmer's Cream for Stretch Marks,I saw beside this is the other Palmer's Product the Post Natal Firming Lotion, while reading the back info it has the same ingredients with the Cream for Stretch Marks but this one said its made for firming after pregnancy or weight loss. So I think it will trigger the 2 problem at the same time so I decided to use the Post Natal Firming Lotion.

Scents, is good. Smell's like cocoa butter. The texture is also good.Although I always use more than enough amount of lotion putting on designated part of my body that I wanted to be firm a little not saying right away, as we know we need to work everything to get want we want. More patients. :)

After one bottle I can say some changes occur. So I decided to bought another bottle, after this if I still need to use it I guess I will still going to buy another one again but If I wanted to be more focus on my stretch marks,I rather buy the Cream for Stretch Marks. So far, I can recommend this to everybody out there specially to all mommies and to all the people having a weight loss program.

I'm Sorry Baby

I don't know how to start this. I don't know how to be more positively share this stories behind everything about days before I gave birth......

I don't know its around March or April 2012, Our maid are so tough and my Dad doesn't really like her, I was  6-7 months at this time around. There were this day between these months that my dad and our maid  had a misunderstanding that went into a deep fight. I was shouting to our maid to stop sayings words against my dad and asking my dad to stop it and go out with my mom. I'm Shouting while saying STOP IT!! My voice are loud to death because I can't barely accept whats happening to both of them. My dad even said bad words to that bad maid, I know my dad wouldn't said that if only that maid would not provoke him. My tummy gets hard at that time and while catching up my breath I decided to have a bed rest and relax.I was so scared.  Then  I've heard that my dad felt bad on me that I was shouting on him on that day,I think he just misunderstood my way of delivering words knowing that I have really a loud voice. I tried to make peace with him by giving some foods I bought outside but he refused to accept it said my little niece.

Another Fight again, When my mom and dad already got home that maid trying to go meet them at the door thinking that they bringing some groceries or something that they might need her help to carry those plastics. But I think because what happened on the other day, my dad still can't accept that the maid are still in our house, while dad going through the door he bang the maid on her shoulder and almost got threw on the other side of the window. The maid starting to cry and keep on saying some words that's a big NO NO!! Again, I'v heard her voice that is so not nice to my ears and started to ask what happen again this time, she said what my dad did and I said to stop talking and just try to understand but still she keeps on saying words and keep on talking nonsense.

 This was the first time we had a maid like that who answered back  to you when you are trying to teach her a lesson.She always had explanations and reasons to her actions. She acts like she knew everything. She acts like she is not a maid and she'll do whatever she wanted without asking to us if its ok or not. Oh boy, those were the reason i guess why my dad got pissed on her.

One big fight that decided for her to leave the house, when my dad saw her outside having a chitchat to the maid at the next door. Knowing that my dad already ask her to do his clothes.Again my dad got pissed on her, why she decided to do some talks outside when she needs to do something  that comply to her works as a maid. Then she went inside and go upstairs while saying some words, that my dad threw some bad words to her again, I got pissed on her because of her voice is not really good and ask her what is her problem, then the yaya of my nieces told me what happened and I started to tell her its her fault because why she didn't do it right away if  my dad would asked her to do something for him. She said "sabi ko mamaya na lang eh!"  "I said Later..." then I got really pissed when I heard that answer. Then my dad went out from his room shouting and so mad to her. So I was sooooo stress and started to shout, STOP IT AGAIN! and I was so careless, almost forgot I was pregnant and because I can't stop my emotion I punched the big mirror on the wall just for them to stop, then worst my tummy got cramps and its so hard. I was so scared again...

Then after a few hours my husband arrived and  already knew what happened. He is so mad to me. He keep on saying why I need to go in on that fight. Why I can just keep quiet all the time. He said What if something happened to me and to our baby, Can I blame our maid? my dad? no one to blame but me. He said that I act like I have so many kids already for being so careless. Fight stop because that maid already leave our house.

Month of May came in...
It was a week before I gave birth. April 30, 2012  3 days before my birthday , my hubby and I got some misunderstanding. I took it seriously, He called me names that I couldn't accept. I know that if you are pregnant you are more sensitive and more observe about your feelings.  I slept on the floor in our room just using my pillows. I wanted to have a fan while our A/C is on, but he can't handle the coldness he could feel at that time but in my case I couldn't sleep without a fan for I feel so hot at that time. Instead of him giving a way to his pregnant wife, I decided to sleep on the floor with a fan so it wouldn't reached him.

I feel so sad and crying while trying to sleep, knowing he wasn't even bothered if I'm ok or not. Or I'm just too sensitive about things around me? I don't know...  next day May 1 we are still not ok. I decided to washed our clothes carrying my baby and while having a big tummy because no one will do it for us, that night I decided to sleep on the couch in our family hall still sad because my husband who supposed to be taking good care of me, shows that he doesn't even bothered at all.

May 2, I decided to sleep over to my sister in laws place for a night before my birthday just to forget all my sad emotions, and somehow to forget my problems and create some smile again. then night passed by I don't even have a single text from him.

May 3, My birthday I decided to go home that day because I had a Check up on my OB and still, he don't say even a single word. I went to my OB alone, I decided to took a cab because I don't want to drive anymore. Night came in my sis in law called me that she will treat me with her friend a dinner because its my birthday asking if her brother will come over. I said I don't know, I said he may not, because he don't talk to me and I also don't want to start the conversation for him. When I'm about to leave the house for that dinner my mom asked me why I didn't ask mike to accompany me,I said he don't want to say anything and I don't want to start it for him, Again I took a cab and suddenly when I reached the restaurant I received a called from my mom's number but actually its him. Asking where am I.  Then he followed us.... I can't say my birthday is happy but I can't also say it was sad. It's just ok...


May 4, I decided to wash all the baby clothes we both. Its really hard in my condition my still I decided to do it and to finished it.

May 5, Our Baby Shower. So tired even my mom cook most of the food I was so tired doing some  things around the house. Fixing some chairs and rearranging the curtains,cleaning the house. Awww so tired and so hard, Having some back pain already but still i need to do it because i have to... After a few hours, visitors will starting to come over....Although only few friends and relatives who decided to join us and felt kinda bad about it it turn out happy and nice because of our other friends who made it and because of my sister in law help us to make it possible...

May 6, Sunday, Still after a tiring day, still my feet can't just stay and  relax at home the whole day. I decided to call my friend to accompany us to the mall to buy some things  we don't have yet for our baby.


May 7- 8,  Sometime I just stayed home ,Sometimes I go with my brother somewhere. I just don't like to stay at home at that time. I don't feel anything wrong perhaps I'm feeling much ok and better.

May 9- We decided to have a 3D4D scan. this day was so  great and happy for us. He looks so good and knowing that everything was perfect.He moves a lot and he even smile during the scan. I'm so happy seeing my baby. I'm with my husband, my 2 niece and my Sister inlaw. We bought the baby bag as well this day.... Oh my I remember everything while doing this post I almost cry again..


May 12, the before I gave birth. My sis in law. ask us to join her to see her friend in Antipolo. In over looking area. As we arrived there we are so happy being with them and with my friends as well. We laugh so hard, We smile a lot. We are so happy at that time until my husband and our friend decided to play billiards and the most nearest  billiards hall  is in CLOUD 9 in antipolo city. but sad to say we had a hard time to look for the place above because some crew said different directions, we walk up and down and then finally we found the place.So tired but that night still I'm feeling ok.  We went home around 4am in the morning...

then around 830AM my water bag broke... (con't to my previous post) click here!!

Now everything sync in. everything happened days before I gave birth are hunting me back.  So many what if's and now tell me if  I don't need to blame my self? What if?  I just let down my emotions, What if? only I just be more careful for me and for my baby, what if?  I decided to be more relax and just stay home. What If? I'm not too sensitive, What If ? I just think about my baby's feelings . Still more What IF's? I don't know if i really have to blame my self,  God knows I just want everything the best for my baby! But it's too late...

I'm Sorry Baby.,I'm Sorry for everything that I did wrong for you! Please Forgive me....... Iloveyou so much!!!!!!

How to Move On..

I know its been 2 months and some people would say that its not that hard to accept my loss compare to others who loss there love ones after being them for years. I don't know if they would believed me if I would say that it was the most drastic, worst thing that ever happened to my life.

Ever since I found that my baby and I are starting to live for each other, he became my life. Every single day that I live I could say because of him but now that he is gone how can I move on? how can I tell to my self  everything has a purpose, everything has a reason if all my reason to live is my son?

I waited for him so so long, for my entire life. Sometimes when I'm alone thinking how sad life I ever have, why me? A lot of people who are so bad, mother who sell there kids,babies, parents who doesn't even bother if there children are ok.. Why my son? why him if you know that I'm gonna be a great mom to him. So many questions that I know its hard to look for an answer.  So many regrets... I hope that I manage to be more careful in my pregnancy.

Sometimes I can't help not to blame my self why all of these happened.... I hope I can find my peace, I hope I can find my way to move on.. How I wish you were here baby........ Please help me how to move on without you.... I love you so much....

When Hello Means Goodbye

I love to listen to it every minute, every hour even the songs makes me cry so hard.. For me, I will never say goodbye to my Baby,he will always be in my heart and in my life........ I love you my Mackenzie!!

WHEN HELLO MEANS GOOBYE - FREESTYLE

(click it to listen the song)

I’ve been waiting for you

I wanted to see who you’ll turn out to be

Imagining who you would be

The day you began to live in me

And I wonder

And I wonder

I can’t wait to say hello

Can’t wait to say hello

And as slowly you grew

Something happened to you that I never knew

Could all the reasons be true

They keep telling me that I lost you

But you were mine

You were always mine

Should I say hello

Or do I say goodbye

Can you hear me say hello

Can you hear me say hello

I can never say hello

But I won’t say goodbye........

Progesterone

I texted my OB last week asking why I haven't got my period yet.  As far as I know I supposed to have my period atleast after 2 months of giving birth and also as per my OB. She ask me to have Pregtest but I said that we didn't have a baby dance yet since last year when I found out I 'm pregnant till now. I asked if its possible to get pregnant even if you just gave birth recently. She said YES, after 6 weeks of giving birth women are strongly fertlile and really able to conceived right away. But I said I'm not ready yet specially that I'm gone through a cesarean section with Mackenzie.  

She said I that I have to visit her in her clinic. Last July 08, 2012, I visited my OB and she decided to give me progesterone. then after 10pills count 10 days from the last pill, on that day i need to have my period back but if not we need to undergo meds again, probably my PCOS are starting again. OB said that Progesterone makes the baby hold on to your uterus more if you are pregnant and if not it will help you to release your monthly period. We will check if my period will start in a normal way if not we need to start my meds again.

I had my TVS last July 25, 2012 and my left are starting to be PCOS again even though I got pregnant on my left last time and my right are fine as of now. I hope both of them will be fine forever.


My OB said we can start taking controll pill if I am not yet ready to get pregnant again! But I said give me pills that will not make me more bigger, but she said mos of pill get make you heavy!


I'm still thinking if I will take a pill or just control....

@mackenzieangeles

Just recently I decided to change either my name in my Social Networking sites account! One of this is my Foursquare Account (Email: anjchanjch@gmail.com) I decided as well to change not only my name but my profile pic as well. The only way I know that somehow I will not miss my Angel because I can see his first Foot Print everyday of my life!!!

(my Foursquare Account)

My Instagram @mackenzieangeles

My Facebook

My Twitter

This is all for you anak!! I miss you!!

EDD: July 08, 2012

July 08, 2012? What is especial on this date? This is supposed to be my Expected Due Date, this is the date that i supposed to give birth to my First Son Mackenzie Anraiee, but after my water bag broke last May 13th and on the 24th he passed away, that was the beginning of my worst life ever..... everytime I go to bed, I remember you, everytime I close my eyes I remember you! How can I move on?! How I wish we're together for the rest of my life. Nak, I know you are with our Savior now, I know it is the most safest place in the whole world, I know you are much happier now, no pains, no needles and no suffering! I love you anak, you are the most precious one that ever happened to my life!! I love you Anak!!!!!!

My Key to My Angel

One time when I'm in Trinoma Mall alone, making my self busy going somewhere everyday, walking, thinking  just trying to forget little by little what happened to me and to my Angel. I saw this key chain maker on the side, then suddenly I decided to make one name after my son. I called it "MY KEY TO MY ANGEL" I just think that every time I hold my key, its just like I'm holding my son! I post it recently on my Instagram account (@mackenzieangeles) This is my key to my new life, my key to my angel!!

My Baby's 40 Days

Today is the 40 days of my Angel Makzie, I ask my mom to offer a mass for him and we attended it with my mom and my husband After we cremated him I told to my self I will be strong, I will be more tough to fight everything that will come along my way. But there are times I can't help my self but cry, I remember my little angel when he was in my tummy. He moves a lot, he seems nothing problem on his health. I can help my self but to ask the Lord above why my little Makzie, why him! I waited him to come into my life for so long and yet just after 11 days he's gone. My dreams and My life seems like fading away so easily. Every time I'll stay at home in every corner of our room I don't remember anything but only my Little Makzie, How I planned everything for him. His things are now safely kept on a plastic box, things that been bought with our happy life and happy smile. People always says "We are so proud of you for being so strong after what happened!" but the truth is,  I'm not strong, I'm getting weak and weak every day of my life. I'm so weak to fight for my everyday life without my son. He was my life, He was my courage to face everything with a strong heart and mind, He was my air to breath, He was my everything! But now how can I move on? How can I say to my self, "Be Strong everything has a reason!" Oh God knows! I'm fighting everything to be strong, but I can't! I'm the weakest person I'm ever know. How I wish I 'm with my son! How I wish I'm with him to make my life easier than this!  I have no one to talk to, I have no one to express my weakness , I have no one to turn too! I miss you anak! I love you more than my life MAKZIE!!!

'Nak tell me... "HOW CAN I GO ON WITHOUT YOU?"  ='(

My Baby is now my ANGEL

Last May 13, 2012, I gave birth to a very cute lovely handsome baby boy Named "Mackenzie Anraiee" My water bag broke around 8:30am when I was only in my 31 weeks. I was so scared not for my self but for my son. I know its not my due yet but I still fighting the faith that everything is gonna be alright.

(What happened to me at this time called  "OLIGOHYDRAMNIOS")

When I reach the hospital "Chinese General Hospital and Medical Center" All the nurses and Doctors are patiently checking on me. Till my OB saw me. I was bleeding to death especially when they are trying to IE to check my baby's head. My OB tries to scan and check on my baby but the water is almost gone. They decided to give me a shot of Steroid to somehow can get through to make my baby's lungs a little bit matured.

Around 12:30noon when my OBGyne checked on me again. She knew that she can't prolong my baby inside anymore and need to let it out. We can't wait more or else something will happen to my baby and also with me. So I need to undergo an emergency CS or Cesarean Section. The Heartbeat of my baby is getting high in a straight line.

(What's happening on me at this point of time, they diagnosed as "ABRUPTIO PLACENTA")

Around 1:31pm I gave birth to my Angel with 45cm / and 1.5kg (3lbs 5oz) I heard him crying so loud so I really thought he is gonna be ok. I just knew that he will be in an incubator to make him matured especially his lungs. But the same day around 7:30pm the nursery called my husband that our baby needs to have Ventilation to help him breathe properly due to his undeveloped lungs. While he was in an incubator he needs to use ventilation which cost us 20,000Php a day. We didn't think twice as long as we know that it will make our baby ok even we don't know where are we going to get the money to pay for that and without knowing until he when he will stay there.

 Mackenzie Anraiee S. Angeles , My Angel!! 

(Baby Boy born 45cm / and 1.5kg (3lbs 5oz)

May 15, 2012, the day I was allowed to go home and the very first time I saw my lovely cute son. He has the eyes of his father, the eyelashes that even only a few hairs you will notice how it curls just like his dad. The lips that they said he got it from me. His nose that truly came from his dad, a small baby with a bridged nose. His hands and his white complexion all came from his dad. Everyone who sees him especially his staff nurses says he is really a handsome baby boy indeed just like his father. 

'Till May 16, a day after I arrived home. We received a call from our Pedia that they found something on my baby. It's called "DUODENAL ATRESIA" it's a congenital deceased where a baby's intestine is blocked. To make it open only surgery or operation will do, it will cost us 40,000PHP for Professional Fees and 20,000Php for Operating Room. First I asked the Surgeon of my baby, can he make it knowing that he is preterm and a small baby weighs 1.5kg only. He said that it's not cancer that doesn't have a cure. He just explained so easy that it will connect the intestine where it didn't connect at first. He said even I gave birth in a full term my baby still need to undergo an operation. So I and my husband decided to go for it, as we knew that its for our baby sake and to make him feel better and ok.

 (May 17,2012 /9:30AM -He is about to enter the Operating Room for his First Surgery)

After the operation May 17, 2012, he looks so weak and I'm really really so hurt when seeing my son in that condition but again I know he was fighting at that time as well because I know he also wanted to be with us. We are fighting as well for him and we are doing all the best we can do no matter what even I know he was hurting so much and in so much pain with those needles, tubes, tapes, inside him make me feel more pain as a mother looking my child like that. we need to wait for a week to make my baby poop for the first time. The Neurologist ask us to buy the food for our baby called TPN (Total Parenteral Nutrition) It is a food for preterm babies because he cannot eat like a normal baby due to his operations usually they give this TPN kind of food just like Dextrose but more on good source of vitamins and minerals but not good as milk of course. It's expired only 24 hours so we and its not available in Chinese General, We usually buying this TPN at UST Hospital Pharmacy they will only make this mixture depends on the required computation of our neurologist for our baby, It cost us Php 1,500 a day, so everyday morning we need to get the computation at the Chinese Gen. Hospital then we will go to UST Hospital to buy this food and need to wait for an hour before they can finish it.

 My Baby's TPN  ( May 20, 2012, /11:45AM)

But when We arrived home on the same day. We received a call again that my baby's heartbeat is starting to get low. We rush back to the hospital and knowing that my babies are really a fighter and he starting to be ok. After how many days around May 22, 2012 - May 24, 2012, he was looking good and ok. He looks strong and better and knowing that he already poop for 4 times. I starting to be happy and feel relieved. We thought that he will start to drink milk to gain his weight. I even pump breastmilk on that nursery last May 23, 2012, as one of the staff nurse of my baby suggested because we knew that baby will start to feed. 

May 23, 2012, The Neurologist of my baby wanted to talk to us. She said that the baby's lungs are getting ok and he started to poop. She even said that if we are happy, they are happier! She advised me that all the pressure will be with me at that time due to my breastmilk will be needing so much for my baby. But she said that they were hearing a murmur or small sounds in my baby's heart during that time while they were trying to heal his lungs but they ignored it at once because of it just small sounds and if they will refer it right away to the cardiologist they will just say Observed for a month. From Last night May 22, 2012, till the morning of  May 23, 2012, the murmur sounds are started to get bigger and louder this time because the lungs are getting better so they can hear the sounds in his heart so loud so they refer it to cardio to check his heart.

When we reach back the nursery they said that tomorrow morning, My baby will undergo 2D-ECHO Scan, It's a scan to check my baby's heart if something wrong and what is that murmur sounds they were hearing. It will be around 8:00AM in the morning so we need to be in the hospital at that time so we would know the findings right away.

May 24, 2012 8:30AM We saw the Cardiologist starting to check my baby's heart. I keep on praying and continuing praying my rosary that we hope nothing serious on that.  I keep on talking to God that please make my baby healthy and protect him on another problem. Please heal my baby. I've been talking to my self and God to protect my baby all the time that the 2D Echo scan is normal all throughout the session while waiting outside looking at them trying to check my baby. It's so hard and can't explain my feeling while waiting for the result.

After almost an hour or less than. 45minutes. The Cardiologist called us. We felt like we are freeze to death when we found out that our baby is having a PDA (PATENT DUCTUS ASTERIOSUS) a large artery the supposed to be closed when the baby's born and cut in their umbilical cord. In my baby's case, it didn't close. I was numbed at that time and I can't even ask some questions to the cardiologist right away. The Cardiologist said there are some ways to close it in the United States, it can be done with an IV but its not available in the Philippines, In can be an Oral Medication but my baby haven't started to feed yet due to his duodenal atresia operation, so they are no choice other than operation on his heart just to close it with clip or to tie it. But I heard my husband says if my baby needs that, we will go for it. It will cost us 100,000Php for Professional Fee itself of the Surgeon but the Operating Room, we don't know how much it will cause us.

What makes us more shocked that when he said that he saw my baby's new x-ray on his lungs and he saw some air came into his stomach which is really a big Not good sign. he said that the surgeon for my baby's intestine might talk to us right away due to this. It means that the 1st operation has started to leak. 

Then that was the time we received a called that we need to go back and talked to our doctors. Then the surgeon again talked to us that they need to reopen the 1st surgery of my baby in his intestine to repair it because it has a leak. The air is starting to go in in his stomach. I wanted to kneel to God that why my first baby, why my first son!!! Why us?! It was an emergency OR that they need to undergo. I don't know if my baby would make it but we don't have any choice. We still need to fight for it, for my baby's life. 

I cried so hard and my tears can't stop while looking at my baby inside the incubator going back again to the OR he looks so strong and his eyes are wide open looking at me. I said Baby please be strong and pray to your Angel......

After almost 2 hours, the doctor came out and said the operation is done but during the operation, my baby starting to dsat or his heartbeat started to get low but now he is ok. We asked him can he make it, the doctor said "HE HAS TO MAKE IT" what an answered. My baby is 31 weeks and 1.6kg and already undergone 2 operations. Then that was I started to pray, Lord If you think my baby will hurt so much and will go through another pain, I know how hard it for me as a mom but I rather lose him with you that seeing him in pain and it kills me. We waited for my baby to be out in OR and when I saw him he was so weak. I can't explain but I was so hurt.

I started to cry all the rest of the afternoon and said if my baby will go I will follow him. I don't know but it shows how much I'm hurt. He was my first baby and why is this happening to us.  I waited for the last viewing around 6-7pm with my mother in law and my mom and when 6:00pm came we went up to look at my baby. I didn't hold him at that time. I was afraid he will be more in pain and colds when I open the door of his incubator. I just said "ILOVEYOU, BABY"  I didn't know that was the last time I will saw him alive. I saw his hands in different colors already so I already started to have doubt at that time.

When we reach home, around 7:00PM we received a called and I was soo nervous. From the nursery in the hospital and they said my baby's starting to dsat or his heartbeat are getting down. They are trying to win it but my baby's doesn't respond anymore. He died around 7:54PM. I felt that I'm going crazy! I know that he is in God's Hands now I know he just waited for me to visit him and see him for the last time. "Para akong maloloka at masisiraan ng bait dahil sa nagyari! Ganun pala ang maging isang ina!!" I love you, Baby! You are now our ANGEL !!!!!!!!!! I will miss you so much!!!! Thank you for giving a chance to be a mom for 11days. Thank you, baby, for that 11days is a lifetime for me. I love you so much!!!!!! You will be in mama's life forever!!

Just recently I have heard that even we undergo an operation my baby wouldn't make it, for those complications and in his heart! My questions now, why the doctors and our pedia, Surgeon etc. why they gave us hope like that. I don't like to think because of money but so many surgeons and doctor's we have talked now that my baby wouldn't survive whatever we do. Even we survive him, he will be in the hospital every now and then and chances that he's intelligent will be gone and therapist will be forever. Sad but we knew doctors are here to save lives but not to win money from you without telling the truth behind the stories and  knowing that they gave us hopes, It doesn't matter if we lost a thousand pesos all that matter to us, we (my husband) both fight for our baby just to be with him ...... I just let God think about what happened. 

Mackenzie "Makzie"Anraiee S. Angeles

May 13, 2012 - May 24, 2012

Cremated: May 26, 2012

La Loma Crematory
Mama and Papa Will Love you for the rest of our lives!!!!

Please Read:

To My Family, Friends, and Colleagues,
I really appreciated all the words of sympathy and thousands and millions of prayers for me and for our family. We thank you for all the words of support but I hope you will understand if I will not able to answer all your questions or much better if you will NOT ask any more questions what happened to my baby as of now, personally or even in Facebook or any ways of  communication that you can reach me. Please give me time to mourn because I'm still not ready to talk about this again and again instead Leaving messages and comments are so appreciated. Anyways, all your possible questions are already here in my post.
Thank You very very much for understanding!!

Baby Makzie at 31 weeks

May 09, 2012. We decided to have my 3D4D ultrasound at face to Face The Baby Ultrasound at SM North Edsa The Block!

It was one of the most memorable experienced indeed. Shots are good and baby are very cooperative, Although We didn't had a chance to took a shot of his hands and to see those tiny little fingers of Baby Makzie because he puts his hand on the top of his head during the scan but still we saw him smiling and those chubby cheeks and tiny chin are really so cute!!

We can't wait to see , hug and kiss our little Makzie but of course in his time..

Baby, wait till its time for you to come out!!! Stay healthy and strong inside Mama's tummy!!

We Love you Baby Makzie!!!!

Our Baby Shower

May 05, 2012, when we had Our Baby Shower! It was really tiring and stressful but in exchange it was also wonderful experienced for me. We're to be with our love ones and friends. Although I admit that I was a bit disappointed that people, and friends whom I really expect to be there was not able to attend too despite of  informing them in advance for a month still there were not able to attend. But I thank God that other friends were there to support and give encouragement to us.

Thank you to all the people who made it possible!! I don't know how to thank you for everything!!!

We love you guys!! Till we see each other again in Baptismal!! Ahihi!!

Tummy at 28 weeks

My Tummy at 28 weeks

12 weeks more..... 

Our Baby Shower's Souvenirs

I already finished 25 pcs of our Baby Shower Souvenir's another 25 pcs more tomorrow. We will put some candies like M&M, Marshmallows and etc. I'm so inspired while doing this even some times it really hard for specially to seat for a long time. Backache and lower backache.

Simple but look elegant!! So excited!! My Dear Makzie will be happy to see his souvenir's as well.

Love Love Love!!!

Tummy at 26 weeks

My Tummy at 26 weeks

My dearest Baby Makzie,

How's my little one doing inside mama's tummy? Makzie we are now more than a half way run to meet you personally in this world. Mama and Papa are so excited to hug and kiss you my dear Makzie. 14 weeks to go and everything will be colorful in your arrival. You just don't know how much I'm so happy knowing that I have a little "Papa" inside me. 

Every kicks and every jabs you'd made, make me the world happiest mama' to be. Even though seeing your 3D scan make people say you look like just your Papa that' fine it means you are so cute and pretty boy Makzie. =') 

Always stay happy baby. Don't move to much so you wouldn't give your self so much stress. Please make me feel you everyday of my life while you are inside mama's tummy. I hope and You pray baby that when the time comes You need to go out, everything will be easy and smooth for both of us. Talk to your angel to protect you and mama when that time comes. 

I love you baby Makzie, You are my world and My life.

Love, Mama

My Baby Shower Wish List

Hi friends and relatives, As you know this is my first pregnancy and I would love and really appreciate for any gifts or present you would love to give our lovely baby. But somehow I have some WISH LIST for you to have easiest way to think what would be the best gift you can give to our dearly baby MAKZIE! Ahihi, I Hope its not to much. ...Love you all and thank you in advance!! haha!!

My First NUK feeding bottle. Orthodontic Gift Set.  ( i really love this)!!

Tommee Tippee Closer to Nature Feedling Bottle

Baby Bouncer (green) / Code ZP-Y5(G) / PHP 1,999.75

Note: Its not necessary that you have to look for the same design just bouncer and rocker like this will be more appreciated.  =') THanks

Baby Company - Musical Bouncer

Baby Bouncer and Rocker

Enfant Carrier

The Razbaby Keep-it-Kleen Pacifier

Looney Toones 6 in1 Sterilizer

Avent Video Baby Monitor

Baby Company - Cotton Carrier

Again, Thank you in advance and Any gift would be highly appreciated. This wish list is just to help you want are the things we still need for our upcoming baby boy Makzie!!Thanks and See you May 5th ..Love Love Love!!!

Our Baby Shower

I already prepare our Baby shower invitation last weekend. And I already posted it yesterday!! =') So excited and  I know my baby too!!! We will create some games and few easy foods hehe..

Thanks so much to our savior and it all became possible!!! ...... you know who you are!! hehe